I really enjoy researching and learning about what it takes to develop healthier thinking and have been privileged to have listened to some very inspiring and motivating speakers from various areas of psychology this year. As it is the last day of 2013, many of you will be reflecting on your year and what changes you would like to make in 2014. So in my final post of 2013, I would like to share with you the most helpful advice I have learnt and which I have found the most beneficial myself (they are by no means in order of priority).
1. Take personal responsibility: Who do you blame when things go wrong? If you look deep down, does your critic have a valid point? Insensitive words may have a good intention behind them. If so, swallow your pride and ask their advice on how to improve. If they are in fact a complete idiot that is not worthy of your time, then set about changing your situation. Yes, this may mean some temporary discomfort if you have to leave a job or a relationship you’re in, but nothing worth having comes without some sort of sacrifice.
2. Develop a flexible attitude: Many of our negative emotions come from inflexible expectations that we hold; usually over how other’s should behave around us. Have you ever been left feeling irritated because someone has pushed their way onto the train without letting you off first? We are all guilty of holding rigid expectations, ‘how dare they not wait for me to get off the train, everyone knows it’s polite to let people off first!’. Yes, in an ideal world, everyone would be polite and considerate but unfortunately there is no law that enforces this. Getting angry isn’t going to make your feel any better about it. Practice thinking in a more flexible way, ‘I really would have preferred it if that person/idiot had been polite and let me off first but they didn’t have too’.
3. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket: How many friends do you have (if you’re not guilty of it yourself) that pin all their happiness on their relationship or career? All their happiness is dependent on one factor and one factor only; you hear them say that without it, they just couldn’t bear it? Well that’s a recipe for disaster! Call me negative, but there are no certainties in life. If that one thing were to be taken away, they would have nothing and they would feel miserable. For your mental health, if nothing else, have a variety of goals or interests that give you an equal amount of satisfaction. You may be left feeling sad without one but at least your life will not feel empty and meaningless.
4. Don’t let anger fester and certainly don’t feed it: One of the most absurd things I’ve heard all year is that in Argentina, people (especially women) go to places where they can smash up office equipment to ‘relieve’ their anger. Upon first inspection this may sound like a good idea. I feel angry so I’ll take my anger out on something and then I’ll feel better. Fantastic but does that actually solve the problem or does it just treat the symptom? That amounts to taking painkillers to treat a whole in your head. How many of you when angry, instead of trying to resolve the issue, swept it under the carpet but went away and replayed the scenario in your head over and over again? Did it make you feel better or did it just feed your anger? Did it solve the problem? Do what you can to resolve the issue by talking about it to those concerned. If it can’t be resolved then change your attitude or your situation.
5. Recognise the difference between fact and prediction: Hands up if you’re a worrier. Hands up if you’re worried about something that hasn’t happened yet. You’ve probably heard this before, but I’ll say it again. The vast majority of our worries are based on something that we predict will happen, but in fact, never does. If you’re worried, write a list of all the evidence that you have to support that this worry will actually happen. How far did you get? Now write a list of all the ways that worrying is helping you? I bet that list was shorter than the first. Now think back to the last time you were worried, and the time before that. Did the thing you were worrying about actually happen as you imagined it? I bet not.
Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve: celebrate the good you’ve experienced this year, learn from the bad and do wonderful things in 2014!